Jack's Rules of Life

In Celebration of Alexs 18th Bday Ive posted some rules you should follow...

> > New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There'sa reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don'tparticularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of thefootball team is doing these days: he's a cop in town...

> > New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description forthese kids: lucky bastards.

> > New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards,you..'re gay. If you..'re a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. Ifyou..'re a grown man, they..'re pictures of men.

> > New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here..'s how much mencare about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we..'re done.

> > New Rule: There..'s no such thing as flavored water. There..'s a wholeaisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that waterytaste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You wantflavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That..'s yourflavored water.

> > New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing aredesigned pill bottle that..'s square, with a bigger label. And the topis now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it,his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solvedthe Social Security crisis.

> > New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger theasshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grandehalf-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbreadcappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n..'-Low and oneNutraSweet," ooh, you..'re a huge asshole.

> > New Rule: I..'m not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding mycard, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount,deciding, no, I don..'t want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, thekid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating myAlmond Joy. Paper, plastic? I don..'t have time for that. I..'ve just been",1] ); //-->..>

> > New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description forthese kids: lucky bastards.

> > New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards,you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. Ifyou're a grown man, they're pictures of men.> > New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much mencare about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

> > New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a wholeaisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that waterytaste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You wantflavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's yourflavored water.

> > New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing aredesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the topis now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it,his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solvedthe Social Security crisis.

> > New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger theasshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grandehalf-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbreadcappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and oneNutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

> > NewRule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in itdoesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. Andit translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anythingspiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're notspiritual. You're just high.

> > New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the sevendeadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating,because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damnedexciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're alreadydoing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

> > New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry forM&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

> > New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based oncrappy, old television shows,then you have to give everyone in theCineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens.Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the firstplace is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

> > New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I justhad sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to bethere, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

> > NewRule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't care in the first place...


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